How do you feel about small talk? Do you think it’s a waste of time? Superficial? Boring?Or is your attitude: Oh well, I suppose I have to do it, so let’s just go along with it (sigh).
If that’s the case you’re missing the point – and valuable opportunities.
Small talk is an easy way to exchange basic information and get to know someone. It creates a friendly atmosphere and can help build rapport and trust. And it gives you the chance to make a positive first impression. Small talk may not be about particularly profound topics – especially not at first – but it can, and should, still be personal and enjoyable for everyone involved.
The importance of small talk
Throughout the world, people need to trust the people they do business with. In countries such as Saudi Arabia, Brazil, Spain, India and China, to name but a few, trust is built by spending time together and getting to know each other. So in these countries small talk is not just a ‘nice-to-have’, but a pre-requisite for doing business.
And small talk is a two-way process. If you’re someone who tends to leave it to the other person to initiate small talk and keep the conversation going you may be sending an unintended message. Let me show you what I mean.
Frank and Maria
Frank from Germany is in Spain for the kick-off meeting for a project. Maria, the project leader, welcomes him:
Maria: Hi Frank. How are you doing?
Frank: Fine, thanks. And you?
Maria: Oh, I’m fine, too. I was a bit worried we’d have to cancel the meeting because of the strikes. Did you have any problems getting here?
Frank: No, my flight wasn’t affected.
Maria: Good. I’m really glad to meet you in person at last. I always like to get everyone together at the beginning of a project. How long have you been with the company?
Frank: Almost two years.
Maria: And have you worked on any international projects before?
Frank: No, not yet.
Maria: Well, you’ll meet the other team members tomorrow, but today it’s just the two of us.
Frank: OK.
Maria: Have you been to the Madrid office before?
Frank: No, I haven’t.
Maria: We’re rather proud of this new building actually. It’s just won a prize.
Frank: Has it?
Maria: Yes, for the layout of the office space. I’ll show you around later, if you’re interested.
Frank: Thank you.
Frank may think he’s making small talk, but he’s not. He’s reasonably polite and he does ask Maria how she is. But that’s all. He doesn’t ask Maria any other questions and all his own answers are very short. He’s doing nothing to keep the ball rolling. All the responsibility for the conversation is with Maria. She’s doing all the work here – and it’s hard work.
Maria’s perspective
Put yourself in Maria’s shoes. What might she be thinking and feeling? Here are a few of my ideas:
What’s going on here?
Maria may just have a vague feeling that, although she can’t put her finger on it, something isn’t quite right.
He’s impatient to get down to business. The business is more important to him than the relationship to me. He’s only here to work.
Frank doesn’t think I’m at all interesting – there’s nothing he’d like to know.
Here Maria makes an assumption based on Frank’s behaviour. It’s not a good start to the working relationship. People want to feel valued as a person, not just for what they can bring to the project or negotiation, for example.
Oh dear, this is turning into an interrogation.
At some stage Maria is likely to start feeling uncomfortable and wonder if she’s asking too many questions. Yet it’s Frank’s behaviour which is forcing her to do so to keep the conversation going (the only alternative is to hold a monologue). Once Maria realizes this she may start to feel resentful.
He’s not pulling his weight in this conversation – will he do in the project?
She might even transfer Frank’s behaviour in this encounter to the actual project. At the very least she’ll be wondering how Frank will fit in the team.
Challenge yourself
There are so many opportunities for small talk: you can exchange a few sentences in the lift or at the coffee machine, ask the person you’re ringing about their weekend before you come to the reason for your call, have a short chat with the person sitting next to you while you wait for a meeting to start or a longer conversation at dinner with a potential client or new project team members.
Why not challenge yourself to take the initiative by recognizing these opportunities, being the first to ask a question, sharing information about yourself and showing an interest in your partner?
